OK, first things first….I’m not a pro writer, and feel a little nervous putting my experience in the obvious style of an amateur. For that, dear reader, I apologize and hope you can bear with me. I did have the experience of being told I might die of cancer within 60 days, and that’s what this is about. I’ll do my best to stay away from the hypothetical, and stick with what I know and have learned.

Usually we won’t even consider changing our habits and lifestyle unless things are at a critical point. That was my MO. Why is the US in such a health crisis? The numbers around us speak for themselves, and clearly our health is not to be taken for granted.

Take all the cultural window dressing away and we’re all simply trying to survive. This reality came into sharp focus, as I sat in my doctor’s office one Jan. afternoon in Portland , Maine, listening to my options after being diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer.

I learned some new things about my body that day, like when the news is really bad, your ears actually stop hearing. Denial is a powerful first defense reaction.

If you want to live, and have any quality of life after treatment, you have to work all 3 levels of your physical, mental, and spiritual life. The goal is to create a “healing response” that wakes your body up, and accelerates the rejection of the disease. This is work, hard work, but you just might find your way to happiness and joy you never imagined possible.

Day at the beach:

Today, I was watching my son, Miles at the beach in Hawaii, building a sand tunnel with his cousin Grant. He’s 9 now, a good strong boy with bright eyes and a quick smile. I think about how I thought I’d never see him graduate nursery school. He was a brave 5 year old in the hospital, holding my hand and telling me when not to look when they were inserting giant needles into me.

Hungry as boys are his age, Grant and Miles kept working, and refused to leave until late afternoon when tunnel connected. They excitedly talked all the way home about the “breakthrough”, when their hands touched from both sides for the first time. This connection was everything.

One of my breakthroughs was allowing things I never would have done before. I’ve always connected with water and surprisingly, a major job came through for me in the Bahamas at the same time the bad news hit. The universe was sure throwing me some mixed signals. My instincts went against the “take it easy” advise, and I used this as my excuse to get to the ocean, next to water. It was mid-winter in Maine, and I knew nothing could make me stronger then the beautiful clear water of the Exuma chain, Bahamas. We packed the light plane that I use for my photography, and off I went with a tumor that looked like a flashlight was stuck in my neck.

Working around the requirements of my job, I spent every morning walking along the beach and then lying in the water, just where the waves broke to shore. For 15 or 20 minutes I let my body merge with the waves, and offered no resistance. Little by little, I could feel myself becoming one with the ocean, and part of the greater circle. The ocean gave me great peace and courage. It’s a beautiful ride, coming and going, this thing called life. Bogie might say “Our lives ain’t worth a hill of beans”, and he might be right, but my current responsibilities seemed far from over. Accepting death is a process we all have to face, and in the acceptance, the amazing gift we call life takes on an even greater value and magic.

The sense of “not having finished my job” kept going through my mind, as I wrestled with the “letting go” path, or the “fight like hell”. Water made me strong, and I faced the fear of destructive treatment. I knew I would do anything, face any fear, to raise my son a few more years. The path was simple. Accept the treatment, compliment it with everything I could do on my side, and use water to heal and lift me up.

The visit that changed my life:

This morning I was up at 5AM to film the Hawaii sunrise over Makapu Point, for my DVD project. It was a dramatic daybreak as the first sun’s rays hit us. I left the camera running, and Miles and I held hands and jumped into sunrise red waves. Huge surf and foaming water washed over us and knocked us back on our butts, and we kept running back in, laughing and screaming for more waves to ride. This is a diamond moment of joy I collect, and pack away to use when necessary.

About 1 week before my treatment started, I had a valuable experience. While living on a diet of bad news, tears, and self-pity, my doctor called and wanted me to meet with fellow stage 4 throat cancer survivor. The purpose of the meeting was to give me hope, and fill me in on the treatment. The unexpected outcome of the meeting was my willingness to learn. Up until this point, I did not want to hear about my statistical chances, or read fat medical books on cancer studies. I was WAY too scared and my odds were so low, I couldn’t even go on the cancer web sites without starting to freak.

The survivor I met with (Tim) had a story so nasty, horrible, painful, and just heartbreaking, it pulled my Ostrich head out of the sand. Man, this was really serious…red alert time.., pull out all the hidden resources. I asked many questions and admired how Tim gave it to me straight, both barrels, while my eyes grew bigger and bigger. He said developing a positive attitude is crucial, if I even want to think about living. That night, I told Norine, my wife, please go to the library and get every book you can find on cancer survival. Tim’s experience, was so brutal, I might as well kill myself right now, ‘cus I didn’t like hearing about the extreme suffering he went through. We are definitely going to take this journey on the treatment road less traveled. Tim’s drug experience became my map of what not to do.

We dove headfirst into the many books written on survival, from almost every point of view, and quickly realized there were many things I could do, a wealth of information available right now, to greatly increase my survival odds.

Choose pain and juice:

OK, the first jump off the “normal patient” highway, is to reject your doctor’s advice and statements at face value. Question everything. Pain in the ass patients have a much higher survival rate. I am not saying your doctors information is not critically important, just make sure you understand it, and have a gut agreement with it. I wanted to survive, and my own intuitive system became one of my major allies. Part of being self-employed is selling your services, and I wanted these doctors to buy me…not just the tragic cancer guy. I worked hard at finding common ground, humor, and anything that would help build the connection.

I decided that all non-life saving drugs and chemicals were out. Pain can be your friend in moderate amounts, and keep you motivated. The endless prescriptions of sleeping pills, pain pills, mood pills, etc only weakened me for the main battle. This was a time I did not want to be spaced out. I wanted to be wide-awake and tuned into what my body was saying. Lets face it, as much as I love my doctors and am very grateful for their help, they always give you drugs. Hospitals are giant drug vending machines that turn us into mere end users.

Using pills to take me out of the awareness loop would do our battle for life a great disservice. The main tools of my personal battle were:

1) my juicer
2) my legs
3) water

To build strength for maximum fighting power I had to be clean and running well. Drinking major amounts of filtered water throughout the day became a habit. When the intestines are clean, by putting in correct food and liquids, they will function properly every day. My inner pilot head always thinks in terms of total efficiency…every single bit of improved health counted with the fight I had coming.

Purchasing a juicer is the best thing you can do for your body. Volumes are written about diet plans, and certain foods, but in a nutshell: you must get the living foods in your body. Raw foods contain enzymes that you need for good health. Your juicer will concentrate this raw food for maximum effectiveness. Raw juice, especially green food, is the jet fuel of foods, but that alone is worthless unless you get the food working throughout your system.

The key to burning food effectively is oxidation, which of course means getting oxygen into your system to digest completely. The easiest and most enjoyable way to accomplish this is walking. A comfortable pace for 20 minutes a few times a day just before a meal or juice, will set your body up to best absorb the nutrition you give it.

Basic Checklist:

As a pilot, I had to learn to use the checklist before every takeoff. Here is a my, get ready for hell, pre-treatment checklist covering the basics. I know this list seems almost impossible, but I had good incentive to change. Doctors have long known, most patients will avoid anything that changes their routine, which might help explain our terrible health record as a western country.

I was looking for a “healing response” from my body. First, it required a deliberate effort, and soon I started to enjoy my new lifestyle.

Every Day:

1) Food intake, at least 50% raw food diet
2) Drink minimum of 8 glasses of filtered water
3) Walking, minimum 2 times at least 20 minutes
4) Minimum 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night, with 20 minute mid-day nap
5) Fresh vegetable juice 3 times per day.
6) At least 1 meal per day as a “blended” veg/juice drink
7) 15 minutes per day meditation, prayer, reflection time

Stop:

1) All processed foods, sugar, salt, and non natural fats
2) All stress causing media, ie. TV, talk radio, newspapers etc. Uplifting or comedy movies OK.
3) Negative thinking patterns must be redirected. Direct your thoughts to positive mode
4) Environmental pollutions, cars, household chemicals, personal soaps, deodorants, unnecessary medicine

Full Circle Journey:

Miles was by my side in the hospital. I didn’t want him to see me like this, but Norine and I knew I might be his last chance. He was into it, because the little TV’s were so cool. At least, that’s what he told me. When the nurses came in with, what looked like the “needle ball” torture device on Star Wars, Mile said, “Dad, hold out your hand”. In our old house we used to collect pebbles from the driveway. Miles placed a few of these special stones in my hand and said, “Dad, these are magic stones. They have special healing power. Every time it hurts, hold one of these stones to protect you.” Those pebbles sure came in handy, and never left my bedside.

One of the survivor’s first jobs is to face and accept your death. There is nothing morbid or defeatist about this. It is a simple fact we all have to deal with. Living in a youth driven culture helps maintain the illusion of never going to the winter of your life. Billions are spent every year helping us look and feel younger, denying the simple biological facts of ageing.

One of the first thoughts in my mind after my diagnosis was…”what, no more R&B music!!...impossible! The idea of death is a real challenge to wrap your mind around. I feel death is the window where we pass into “universe citizenship”. What an amazing adventure we are moving toward!

Facing the fact of biological death is upsetting because of who you leave behind. I’ve read about most world religions and many new age alternatives, and still find myself wondering if it’s really all over when the lights go out. I want to believe we just pop to the next level with a new body, ready to visit loved ones, and have amazing experiences, but sometimes it’s hard to quiet that little voice of doubt.

One night after my second hospitalization, recovering from the full blast super-chemo program, I had the experience of almost dieing. (the program I was on called for twice the normal chemo amount, 24/7) I woke up in a strange wonderland of spinning images and twinkling lights, and noticed I was not alone. Each of the “lights” were personalities, friends, associates, and beings of higher power. I have often joked that taking LSD as a kid prepared me for my cancer treatment, but this was way past any acid flashback.

The dominant energy in the room was love and acceptance. This energy had the qualities of trust and concern, and I sensed an invitation to join my fellow spirits if I pleased. I’ve never felt such comfort and mystery warped together. So this was the graduation… the points of light swirled and created beautiful patterns..(tunnel of light??)

My bliss was interrupted by a distant sound…familiar but urgent. As I tuned into this repeating sound, it was Norine, yelling my name. In a flash I was back in her arms, lying in a pool of blood from a head-wound I received as I had collapsed on the floor, hitting a dresser corner on the way. My crossed eyed, upside down position, and general drugged out state of mind, might of helped create my vision, but in my heart, I feel I was given a peak into what comes after death. The sense of invitation and belonging has given me much peace, and even a sense of excited anticipation of meeting up with my loved ones after this lifetime.

Dealing With Doctors:

Starting with the idea that attitude is the key to survival, it is critically important you get along with, and like your primary Doctors. Their words have a huge influence on how you feel, your sense of hope, and what level you can trust the treatment they recommend. My rule of thumb was…. a doctor that would speak with me straight up, and would hug me, or show signs that I was more than “another patient”.

In many ways this put more stress on my poor over-hugged doctors, but when they saw me as a person, and friend, the rewards were on both sides. So much of the healing process is a mystery. I didn’t want to be around someone acting like he/she knew all the answers, but still, had confidence in their program. Another important trait I looked for was open mindedness. You run ideas gleaned from all the non-traditional books you start reading, and good doctor will help you sort out eating and exercise programs that compliment their care giving.

Who’s in control, you or the Doctor? The answer is you share control, by fully understanding the program being offered, as well as the risks you are taking. Being aware of the full impact of the treatment decision, and how I could participate on every level, would keep me involved. I didn’t want to become one of the many people in the medical system who blindly trudge from one treatment procedure to the next, feeling it’s too complicated to get directly involved. The Doctors are just at work another day, but it was my life, even if they sometimes stayed detached, I wanted them involved as much as possible.

Body at War:

What causes cancer and other life threatening diseases? I would have to write many pages about genetic mutations, family history, and exposure to environmental toxins, to even touch on this broad subject. The question I keep coming back to is more or less: why did I get sick, when all these other healthy people around me, (eating cheeseburgers, smoking, and doing everything wrong lifestyle-wise) seem to be doing fine. The best answer my primary doctor had was luck. I was the 1 in a million guy. (in a bad way) I understand he was in no position to make a judgment on how I lived my life, but it seems like there is much more to the puzzle. There are many patterns around the world of cancer trends, and enviroment.

Cancer cells are normal cells gone crazy. They mutate out of control, and can spread through the body the body, destroying everything in their path. We create these cells all the time, but our body’s defense system will quickly destroy rogue cells. What goes wrong? It seems as we age, or in some cases as children, our defense systems break down. It only takes one cell slipping past our defenses to start a new cancer. Operations were so extreme in the old days, taking everything around the cancer area as a precaution. The near fatal radiation I received, after a CAT scan showed my neck tumor had disappeared, was to destroy any single cells that might still be around.

Why did my system fail me? Looking back, I see so many levels of bad diet, abusive habits, being a wild 60’s child, and stress. Stress can be a good thing, I was told, we would die without it. The key I learned was too much stress with no recovery time, causes system breakdown. My years in the music business, and as a pilot/ filmmaker, joined with the task of fatherhood and a bitter divorce, might of used up my primary immune system health. It was totally normal to always crave coffee and a sweet, and every Starbucks I passed beckoned me in with that seductive, fresh brewed, smell.

Pushing myself in business was the normal, American way. I always set insane money and production goals, and if I wasn’t doing at least 3 jobs at once, I felt I was getting lazy and cheating my clients. If I wanted to live, slowing down was not going to be a luxury, it would be required.

Water Visualization #1

I was standing in a circle, encased in a block of ice. The ice represents all the negative conditions in my life. Every hateful thought, bad deed, and negative thought ever directed at me was in that ice. I was trapped, motionless, and looking out through the block of clear ice. I noticed through the ice, I could see the circle around me was people, holding hands. I recognized the circle was made of everyone I ever loved, and who ever loved me. Every person had a steady gaze and smile, and they were sending me unconditional love and acceptance. I could feel the warmth and trust of their love and the ice around me melted away, taking with it all the negative energy contained in my body. Soon I stood, dry, warm, and standing in my circle of love.

Love Makes the Difference:

ACCEPTANCE, FAITH, FORGIVENESS, PEACE, AND LOVE…….THESE CHARACTERISTICS ALWAYS APPEAR IN THOSE WHO ACHIEVE UNEXPECTED HEALING OF A SERIOUS ILLNESS.

Excerpt from the book: Love Medicine and Miracles

ENERGY HAS INTELLIGENCE…

STUDY OF PATIENTS WHO HAVE RECOVERED FROM GREAT ODDS…..

1 PROFOUND INTRA-PSYCHIC CHANGE THROUGH MEDITATION AND PRAYER.
2 PROFOUND INTERPERSONAL CHANGE: BETTER RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS.
3 ALTERATIONS IN DIET: CHOOSE FOOD CAREFULLY FOR OPTIMUM NUTRITION.
4 A DEEP SENSE OF SPIRITUAL AS WELL AS MATERIAL ASPECTS OF LIFE.
5 A FEELING THAT RECOVERY WAS NOT A GIFT, BUT THE RESULT OF A LONG HARD STRUGGLE THEY WON FOR THEMSELVES.

Thanks Bernie…(excerpt from, Love Medicine and Miracles)

Taking to the Air:

I’ve been flying airplanes over 25 years and 5,000 hours and spent well over half a year of my life living in the atmosphere. The sky feels like home to me, and I love filming the ever-changing landscapes of clouds and light. Flying uses many skills, and has wonderful travel benefits, but the main appeal is the escape from everyday life.

Some problems are easy to understand and fix, but many of the struggles we have offer a much greater challenge. We can’t change the family and situation we were born into. Forgiveness and acceptance doesn’t always come so easily. The post 60’s generation used escape as the key technique of avoiding pain.

I know now, that is a dead end road. Eventually, we have to look directly at the things we fear the most and come to terms with them. I’ve lost so many good friends in the music industry to drugs, suicide, and AIDS. The pain is always there, available to use, the exit door wide open. For song writing and creative work in general, pain is useful, although best in the emotional, not the physical form. In some very funny ways, when you start to adopt a positive attitude towards life, you almost miss the old days of suffering and abusing yourself. It’s always a temptation to retest the waters, like having a milkshakes or red meat. Tastes good, but not quite the same, because you know that road does not really serve you anymore.

Flying replaced many of my escapist tendencies in a way that kept me healthy, offered transportation, and developed my photography career.

Flying has always been a teacher, and never more then when I said good-by to Norine to begin my chemo treatment in Maine. We had a very emotional good-by at the airport, and I reluctantly took off from the Kingston airport, flying low over the bridge spanning the Hudson River. As I climbed out over the bridge I looked down and saw Norine’s car, stuck in traffic below. The sense of looking down at the loved one I had just held, as I climbed into the atmosphere, felt so big, like a sad/beautiful movie ending. Feeling powerless, but hopeful, I knew I had to go forward into the sky. Can dieing be like this?

You Got Me Floating:

In the middle of my treatment, I met an Australian man who taught a survival class in Portland, Me. When he offered to take me Kayaking in Cisco Bay, I thought he was joking. I had no voice, a (peg) tube hanging out of my stomach, a valve port going into my heart, and my neck and back were covered with 3’rd degree burns from radiation treatment. Feeling like a freak and wearing a scarf in the summer to shield the sun, it was all I could do just to walk a few blocks or do simple editing on my computer.

I could not believe the how easy it was to paddle, and comfortable, and natural I felt in the cockpit. This “bicycle of the water” was amazing, stable, and FUN. My energetic healer had been encouraging me to get “out of the clouds”, closer to the earth, and near or on water. That afternoon in Maine open my eyes to a whole new world, where hours would be measured in calories burned, not aviation fuel.

When I returned to the Hudson Valley I purchased a simple plastic Kayak, big enough for Miles and I. I realized, after 25 years of flying over the Hudson River, I knew nothing about what it really was. My home, near the Hudson River and Catskill Mountains, was perfect for simple trips, or major excursions. I also found, just floating offered healing energy, and I would tie my Kayak to a tree or buoy, and sleep, lying down in the cockpit. Miles and I would cross the river, and paddle up a small creek for some lunch, and to go exploring.

My energy would change quickly, and I could fall asleep in the blink of an eye, so I quickly found some favorite spots in the Hudson Estuary where I felt safe, and could operate away form boats and currents.

On To The Pole:

One of the post treatment techniques I used was what I call “holding out the carrot”. I always needed something near-term, and exciting to fight for. The Inuit culture had always interested me, and one day while Kayaking Miles said, “Dad, wouldn’t it be great if we could fit this in the plane”. I started searching the web and found Kayaks that could do just that….fold up. That started me planning a trip due North to Baffin Island in Canada.

Baffin Island is a place of extreme contrast. It is huge, stretching over 800NM, and very sparsely populated. Air trips between towns can be over 4 hours of seeing no sign of man. The Inuit, one of the most isolated groups on the planet, have been living in the Artic over 5,000 years and are well adapted to the artic environment. No further North from my home in NY than Key West is South, Baffin Island represents a unique destination for private flight and Kayaking. Folbot, a folding Kayak company, had asked me to take some photos and develop a media production kit for them, so I had the perfect excuse to justify the travel and chase my dream.

The planning was intense in terms of safety equipment, aircraft health, alternate plans, and the big one…weather. There was a short window in July and early August where you could hope for a few days of sun and comfortable temperatures in the 40’s to 50’s.

The trip was stressful, but amazing. Flying North of the artic circle, meeting and hanging out with native Inuit, while Kayaking in the beautiful artic waters was a dream-like experience. I have never been anywhere so pure and untouched. The air and water had a different quality… almost glowing. Kayaking was magical and healing. It never got dark. Tiny little trees smaller than flowers, next to huge featherbeds of moss, made us feel like giants. Caught up in the passion of it all, I ripped off my clothes and had an artic swim I’ll never forget. This was the water of dreams, pure, clean, and life-giving. Strangely, I did not feel cold, and I climbed out to lay on a rock in the artic sun.

Humor with your Tumor:

Laughing is powerful medicine, and can quickly became a key part of my survival strategy. When I knew I was going to loose all my hair, I decided to let Miles give me a haircut. You can imagine, giving a 5 year old electric clippers, and setting him loose on his Dad’s head, what the results would be. I was somewhere between super punk, and the last of the Mohegan’s when he was finished. Miles has taken great interest in my hair styles ever since.

Another unexpected benefit appeared at Mile’s 6 year old birthday. We were in a restaurant with his friends, when I heard Miles bragging to his friends, “My Dad has a tube coming out of his stomach”. “You can even see what he just ate”! He continued, “Common Dad, show everyone your tube, it’s really gross”. I didn’t expect to be the life of the party this way, but hell, it really did spice up the party, and seemed to freak out the adults, as I lifted my shirt.

Today Miles and I were sleigh riding after a blizzard in our Hudson Valley. As we were walking up a windblown hill in the minus 30 windchill, I joked to him, we almost drowned in Hawaii, and now we might freeze to death. Miles quickly said, “Well Dad, I guess the only thing left is fire”. Might be time to climb a volcano together.

Last Call:

I receive many calls from others with cancer. I am always deeply touched when sharing stories and tears. There is so much more to these connections than I understand. We are a cancer culture now, of accelerated growing, grieving, and surprising strength. We know how silly it is to speak of statistics, and probabilities. We either live or die. It is very easy to let fear rise up, or find yourself repeating clichés. People will look back from the future in amazement, that we endured such horrors and pain, voluntarily. Speaking with fellow victims on the phone, I can’t offer anything new. The real point of the call is understanding. A fellow traveler enrolled in Cancer U. The curriculum is everything we hold dear in this life, and how to let it go of it… with love.

Using Art to Heal:

So, based on all I’ve been writing, what am I doing up late at night typing away, while collecting my gear for another filming trip. Putting together even a simple project like “Spirit of Water” is sometimes hard, and even stressful work. What is this push to create and share? My step-father likes to say “Art is what artists do”. One idea always leads to the next, and the next. The more truthful this flow pattern becomes, the better it communicates. Putting experience, and your life values, into a creative expression, and moving that “vehicle” into a social arena might be the evolution step we need. In spite of being insecure about rejection, and all the related fears of looking un-cool, I can’t stop. Art might be our best “hook”, or even bridge into the other side. Learning how to flow ties directly in with art, and the meaning it holds. Like Native American Indians, who once mixed art and living so seamlessly, doing art simply becomes the art of living.

Excerpt from,

SoW 2: Learning to Flow
c 2005 Peyton